Cake, prayer and doubt

I was raised to ask three questions before I said anything.
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
On days like today, I wish everyone thought this.

Driving into church today I realized something. I’m angry with God. I’m really quite pissed off that things are not going the way I wanted in my life. There are things that are working out – yes – and for those I’m thankful. Perhaps I just want my cake and eat it too. Apparently someone at church today thought that I must have been eating too much cake, for she told my friend that I should really lose some weight. I laughed it off, but it did hurt. I know I’m fat. Its not like she was telling me something that I don’t know. But was it necessary to tell the person sitting next to her as I carried the Gospel book to the alter at Sunday Mass? Its ironic I suppose. That book tells you to love your neighbour. It tells you repeatedly to be compassionate as Christ was compassionate. To be there for others in the community. The sermon today even touched on the very subject of discrimination. It may seem like a small thing to dwell on, but that is my reaction, and I can’t change it. I can be frustrated by her comments, I could have told her about pots and kettles – but that would not pass my question test above.

I thank God for teaching me how to react in situation like that. How to speak with compassion and mean it. I will keep her in my prayers tonight. Like the quote from Richard Hooker about prayer; “When we are not able to do any other thing for men's behoof, when through maliciousness or unkindness they vouchsafe not to accept any other good at our hands, prayer is that which we always have in our power to bestow, and they never in theirs to refuse.” But about wanting my cake and eating it too… things on the surface are going well, but I’m full of doubt. I’m full of anxiety over choices, what to do and how to do it. I really don’t want to work in the big corporate world anymore – this I’ve known for ages. But I don’t know how to finish. I have a plan, but it feels like a very hard thing to do. I’m planning on selling my condo, taking the profit, moving in with my Uncle Bert and working for another year before I finish to save up for tuition. But it’s frustrating, because I want to do this now. I want to study full time NOW. I’m tired of waiting. But I don’t really want to leave my home. I’m pretty sure that I’ve been procrastinating putting down my floor so I don’t have to list. If this is something that I want – something that I will help - I just realized something again. Maybe there is all this resistance, because this is not what God wants. But as I type this too, there is still doubt…