of Psalms and limericks

I have absolutely nothing profound or particularly inspiring to say today.  I have been writing tomorrows sermon using the psalms and I was reminded how Psalms are Hebrew poetry.... which lead me to revisit some of my old poetry.... which took me to witty limericks.  Circle of life stuff.  But I have to say that there is something to be said for laughter, so here are some of my favourites.


The hapless church tenor, young Horace,
Had skin that was terribly porous.
Sometimes in the choir
He’s start to perspire
And nearly drown out the whole chorus.
___________________

There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was far faster than light
She went out one day
In a relative way
And returned home the previous night.
___________________

A flea and a fly in a flue
were stuck so what could they do?
"Let us fly," said the flea!
"Let us flee," said the fly!
So they flew through a flaw in the flue!
___________________

There was an old man of Darjeeling
Who boarded a bus bound for Ealing
It said on the door
`Don't spit on the floor'
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling
___________________

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belly-can,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm darned if I know how the hell-he-can
___________________

There was an old man from Peru,
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe
He awoke in the night
With a dreadful fright,
And found out that it was quite true.
___________________

An epicure dining at Crewe
Found a very large bug in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too."
___________________

There once was a vicar from Ryde
Who fell down a sewer and died
Then his silly old sexton
Fell into the next one
And now they’re interred side by side

to confirm or not to confirm, that is the question...

Much to my astonished delight, I’ve begun teaching another round of confirmation classes. The three churches and their respective clergy (3 priests and a deacon - sounds like the start of a joke) have gotten together again for this adventure and after last week, I find myself looking forward to tomorrows class. I always make the comment on the first class that if any are there because their parents or their grandparents say they have to be confirmed, and if by the end of the classes the participants decide, for whatever reason, not to be confirmed yet, I’d stand with them and back up their decision with mom and grandma. I make sure they know that we are there to help them explore what it means to be a Christian, what it means to believe, what it means to have faith. We go through the Apostles creed and the questions they will be asked by the bishop in the confirmation liturgy so they feel confident in answering them with integrity.

This latest crop of kids is wonderful. The first question was “Should we be taking the creation story literally or as a metaphor?” They weren’t even thrown off when I asked which creation story they meant, Adam and Eve or the 7 days OR when I asked what they thought! In fact it just prompted more discussion. What about the parables? What about the beasts in the book of Revelation? What about the antichrist? What does prayer do? What is the Trinity?

Tomorrow we’re talking about Teaching, Fellowship, Breaking Bread and Prayers – It promises to be a packed evening, but I can’t wait to hear where the discussions go. My own spiritual life has been dragging for the past little while, so I hope their enthusiasm can enliven me. Sounds like the point I may use to teach what fellowship is… Christians gathering together to encourage each other in our own faith journey.

Top 8 cliche's that are NOT helpful....

I’ve been thinking about all of the rhetoric that has crept into church-speak or christianese – as a friend calls it, and quite frankly some of it is just really bad theology. Most of these are things that are assumed to be scriptural…. that is sooooo not the case! This is far from an exhaustive list, I welcome other contributions!

1. "Love the sinner hate the sin"

On the surface it doesn’t seem so harmful in and of itself, but it is all too often used as a weapon to legitimize hate or bigotry or racism or sexism or any number of sinful behaviours. It's a simple catch phrase that has a shallow meaning that all too often results in feelings of superiority on the part of the quoter. It's actually from St. Augustine. His letter 211 (c. 424) contains the phrase Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum, which translates roughly as "With love for mankind and hatred of sins."

2. "God helps those who help themselves"
also not in the bible - it comes from Aesop and should read "The gods help those who help themselves" Great news for a capitalist market economy, not so great for any who have read the sermon on the mount.

Following on this theme we have:

3. "...money is the root or all...evil." Not scriptural, money certainly does complicate things – but the root of ALL evil? I wholeheartedly disagree. Not all evil is the same; Power and lack of compassion and many other things contribute to evil so to say the root of it is the same, is (in my opinion) reductio ad absurdum

4. “All you need to do to go to heaven is ask Jesus into your heart.”
This isn't scriptural either - nowhere does scripture tell you this is a requirement. While we’re on the subject I don’t think we have a “Jesus shaped hole in our hearts” either… gahhh!

5. "We are called to be IN the world but not OF the world."
The closest I can see is John 18:36 - but that one says that JESUS is not of this world... not us - we are not Jesus. We have to be OF the world. We don't have to accept all the crap, but we have to be willing to wade in and get dirty. It has airs of "this is good enough for you, but I'm better than all this". What a crock of crap.

6. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away".... sounds scriptural because the quote is in KJV language, but it’s yet another one not found in the bible! (*correction: See Fr Aaron's note below.... I still think it is not pastoral or helpful - but I appreciate the scripture reference correction!) I cringed the other week when I heard this (without the “eth’s”) told to someone at a funeral. How on earth is this to be comforting?

7. “God needed another angel in heaven” (as an explanation why someone died). Patronizing, horrible, hurtful and just trite. Never, ever ever EVER say this to someone whose loved one has died. I can’t stress that enough. Just say no.

Last and certainly least…..

8. "God Doesn't Give Us More Than We Can Handle"
This is probably one of my most hated sayings. It is utter crap. Some sources attribute it to Mother Tereasa, but others say that's not right either. Either way, this is a good one to get out of our lives too! I know I've been in way over my head and the only relief was to cry out and lean on God and those around me for support. I think God is with us in our trials, but certainly doesn’t give them to us to test our faith and this implies.

This could have originated from a misguided interpretation of 1 Corinthians 10:13.