whole wack of stuff

I learned something very valuable about ministry today. I learned just how much fun it truly can be! I started the day helping make breakfast for 50 people. They are the sidespeople who are responsible for greeting everyone who enters the church from those who come most weeks, to those who haven’t been in a while to those who have never set foot in a Christian church before. Their ministry of hospitality is one so key to any parish, I just can’t stress it enough. I was privileged to serve them breakfast this morning, chat and catch up.

Then we proceeded out to the cemetery with a whole bunch of dogs, one cat and one fish for the blessing of the animals (thank you St. Francis of Assisi). What an amazing site, to see just how much people change when they are around their pets. If only we could treat each other like we treat our pets – the world would be a better place!

Next came a wedding with about 150 guests. It was beautiful, everyone looked so happy and I learned how to kibitz with a nervous groom. He decided pacing was to be his form of exercise for the day, and practically wore a hole in the vestry carpet. But when the wedding began, it was a beautiful presentation of love. You could almost feel it in the room. They both kept giving each other almost knowing looks and they flirted with each other throughout the service and it was actually very heart-warming.

Then we had a rehearsal for the baptisms tomorrow – there will be 5 of them. 1 teenager, 1 father and his son and 2 other babies. How cool is it to have a father be baptised with his son?

I think this has been one of the best birthdays I have had, because I got to spend it serving others. This notion didn’t however come without a bit of navel gazing this afternoon! At first I was kinda irritated that I couldn’t do what I wanted on my birthday, that I couldn’t go home to Sarnia, spend time with my family and friends. I was stuck doing ‘stuff’ at the church. I rarely begrudge doing things there, but you know what, earlier in the week, I was dreading today – I wanted it to be about me!

Now let me make one thing perfectly clear. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m afraid. I’m scared to even entertain the possibility that I have absolutely no idea what I’m getting myself into! This is probably the last thing on the face of God’s green earth that I ever, even in my wildest dreams, EVER thought I would be doing. Me – becoming a priest??? Na….. I think I often wonder if other people will see this side of me. I wonder what other people think of this. I wonder how many of them think that I’m nuts! How many can see into the depths of my mind and understand just how absurd a concept this whole becoming a priest thing is – even to me – especially to me! I guess I’m worried about being found out as a fraud… ‘cause who am I to even think that I could entertain the notion of becoming a priest. Then I have a day like today. A day where the whole picture starts to become less blurry – just for a second – and I catch a glimpse of the truth. This has absolutely nothing to do with me. I’m here, I’m offering myself in service to God and to everyone I meet. I get it. Took me a while. But I get it. I know I’ll forget it again soon – and I hope I can count on another day like today will come along to remind me that I really do understand!

the font, wood and promises

Here's a picture of the baptismal font in the abbey church on Iona, just struck me as just the thing to post today. It's particularly appropriate since today is the 5th anniversary of my baptism. Happy Birthday me! (and ironically I get to leave that message tomorrow on my actual birthday!). I have an annual tradition of lighting the baptismal candle I was given that day, and reflecting upon the past year. I won't post that here and bore you, but it truly has been a remarkable year.

So I looked it up on the handy dandy internet and found out that the symbol for a fifth anniversary is wood, so I'll tell you a brief story about some wood! Don't know if you remember or not, but earlier, I told you about my uncle and his woodworking talents. Well yesterday was the first time the processional cross that he re-did was used in the school's chapel. He was invited to the service, where the priest sanctified the cross for use in the church and the whole school had put together a thank you book for my uncle. The background of the pages was the shape of the new cross and each kid put their finger print and signed their name next to it. These pages were all bound in a handmade book... with.... you guessed it... a wooden cover. He was so overwhelmed that this meant so much to these kids. When I get a photo, I'll post it - it truly is beautifully crafted!

A lot has changed in the past 5 years, but the promises I made that day are ones that I still try to live out, everyday.

Death: study of & reality of

I'm surrounded by people who are sick, or dying or grieving the loss of something or someone. As my friend said "Welcome to parish ministry!" I'm on an emotional rollercoaster... not at the point that I want to get off, but somewhere hanging upside down wondering if I'm going to scream or hurl. I think given my abject opposition to hurling - I'm going to find myself doing a lot of screaming. I came to school tonight to see if there were any friendly faces that I could vent with for a moment, I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I need to find a place to vent and I need to find another someone who just wants to go out for the night and chat - drink - eat - laugh... and NOT talk about all the stuff. Just take a moment and see if I could go back to my other life - my life before I started down this path - my life when it made sense and I (thought... misguided as it were) that I had control over what happened! I don't want to trade in or otherwise change any of the challenges I've faced, but I want to relax and breathe in some naïvety.

But reality is all to real. Cancer strikes again. Always too young. Always with too much to do, to see and to love.
I pray for the repose of the soul of Cindy Manson.
Rest eternal grant to her O Lord, and let light perpetual shine upon her. May her soul and the souls of all the departed forever rest in peace. Amen.

Linens, Death and the goodness of Questions!

A-ha! I discovered that the lack of linens after Div week was not my fault after all! I had been doing them wrong for the past year! I thought we did them the week after chapel team = apparently (as it turns out) we do them the week we are ON chapel team. So I'm off the hook! The linens were not my fault! Ahh.... relief!

I sat on the steps of Trinity Library yesterday. I had to make an interesting phone call yesterday to Turner and Porter, a funeral home in the west end of Toronto to see if I could set up a tour/visit for my class in Death, Dying and Grief. It apparently has to include the preparation room - she wasn't sure if that was possible and so is going to give me a call back. After I hung up, there was an undergrad out smoking who asked if he heard me right... was I a Div and was I trying to arrange a tour of a funeral home? Well - he heard right and it opened up the door for a very interesting conversation. He informed me that he was a very committed atheist - but that he believed that there is the possibility that there is a God. He was quite open to the possibility. He was raised in a Christian home, with Christian values, in a largely Christian society here in Canada. He said he just couldn't swallow all of the religious rhetoric and literalisms. For the most part, I just listened throwing in a few comments here and there - 'just because I'm a christian, doesn't mean that I've shut off my mind', 'I've often wondered if being an atheist means you have to have more faith than I do as a Christian!' and my favourite little quote from Ann Lamont 'the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.' Our little chat ended when he said that I'd given him something to think about.
Good.
Thinking is Good.
Wrestling, struggling, wondering, pondering, questioning... IS GOOD.

I've missed Trinity - glad to be back here!

klutz

Aaaauuuuggghhhh!!!!

I'm disorganized at the moment and I don't know how to fix it yet! I've lost my calendar and all the lovely little reminders that pop up telling me what I have to do and when - that my secret to getting everything done... WRITE IT DOWN... I need to find a new place to write it down - I'm not really sure how to go about getting myself organized again! I just realized today that I owe someone a HUGE thank you - I had written down that I was to do the linens on my outlook after orientation week - my outlook on my old work account - on a computer that I don't have anymore... and apparently once it was there - I forgot about it completely!
I can't wait for the weekend to straighten this out - but wait - I have to go to the diocese on saturday. Well crap. crappety, crap, crap - to use the technical terms.

How do you do it - anybody out there - give me some examples of what you do to stay organized

UPDATE
- I have an organizer now I have put everything in it - now all I have to do is remember where I put it... hmmm.....

phew.

That's it. Finished. Div week is over - and now classes can begin! Planning services and making sure everyone shows up and remembers what they are doing it harder than it looks - but I'm glad I took that on.

I wish some days that I had inherited my dad's laissez faire attitude, and could use the saying "in the fullness of time" to describe when I'll get things done, but right now - I can't...

So much to do... but it will be fun - otherwise... what's the point?

to sleep or not to sleep...

ahhh... yes... that is the question.

but sleep - why are you so elusive?

why do you mock me from early morning mattress commercials that taunt me with slogans of a quiet restful sleep?

why can I not find you when I need you - yet have difficulty fending you off in the middle of some conversations.

Oh welcome sleep - friend... where art thou?

sleep - the newest four letter word

First day back to school - it's good to be back! I officiated at morning prayer, read at this evenings Eucharist, and spent several hours at the pub chatting. I just got home and thought "I'm good and tired now... maybe I'll sleep tonight - I'll just check my email before I go to bed."

If you ever have that inclination... don't do it. If you're really tired - just go to bed. Trust me! The alternative can only bring something that will keep you up. Now, I don't know how well I'll sleep tonight... again.

So remember back in July when I said I had to go to a weekend long retreat and be subjected to various forms of torture (actually just interviews... but rather important ones!) This is the place where the church takes the next kick at the can in deciding if I am "good news" for the church. Well - that was supposed to be in May 2007 - lots of time - far away - nothing to worry about at the moment. I got a note a couple of weeks ago saying that they may have a spot for me in October. Well - I got the note today and apparently I am off to ACPO for sure in October (not May - they bumped me up...) Good or Bad - not sure - I'm not going to ask - I don't really even want to speculate. I want to say this will be fun, but the butterflies in my stomach are starting to feel more like birds. Really big birds. Chickens to be precise...

Centre Island

I went over to Centre Island for the first time ever. What a beautiful place - and what a great view of the city! That is how I like to see Toronto - from a distance - separated by a lake! We took the ferry across to the RCYC (Royal Canadian Yacht Club) for lunch. There were about 15 of us there - and a good time was had by all! We wandered around the boats - one was called "deus ex machina" Latin for God as machine... the spark that started things rolling on or a person who intervenes to solve a problem at the last minute - definately not a Christian theology... and if truth be told a rather strange thing to name a boat!

where are you?

Actually I know where she is... Laura... I just haven't talked to my sister for two weeks - she's been off teaching at NMC That's her - bet she doesn't know the photo's from last week's camp are already on the web... hehehe... smile... or rather play your flute!

Somehow I miss her colourful words of wisdom like
"...the only Bush I trust is my own..."
or more accurately - when I get in a mood like yesterday - she'd be the first one to tell me to
"Suck it up Princess!" and somehow she gets away with that.

Come home chiquita - I miss you!

little deaths...

We enter into this world crying, we leave this world as others cry and in between there are little deaths and resurrections that make life worth living. Today is my last day at a job, surrounded by people I have come to love so very dearly. I have been with them when family members die. I have watched their kids grow up. I have leaned on them when my dad was so sick. I have laughed with them, joked around with them and loved them all (even when I didn't always like them all!)

Today is one of those little deaths. And today is also a little resurrection. A glimmer of hope. A spark of life beyond the walls of this pink palace that I have come to know so well. A little adventure into the next phase of life. A chance to laugh and dance and sing with a whole new group of people. I want to say that I won't love them like I love these folk, but I know that's not true. They will enter into my heart and I will love them.

But right now, I think I need another box of kleenex to catch the tears.